Voices

Everybody’s talkin’ at me

I don’t hear a word they’re saying

Only the echoes of my mind…

~Fred Neil, Everybody’s Talkin’

I have voices in my head. Wait. Don’t call the funny farm just yet.

Voices that tell me I’m not good enough.

Voices that tell me I’m never going to have what I want.

Voices that tell me that no one is interested in what I have to say, what I have to write, what I have to draw or paint. In other words all of my creativity: my stories, my mini-paintings, my intricate (hah!) doodles, and indeed my entire tiny life is crap. Not even special or interesting crap, just plain, old crap.

Voices that with an astounding accuracy and a red hot intensity know just where, when, and how to say what will wound my soul. Leaving me immobile. After I get done with myself, no one can possibly say or do anything even close to worse. How low can I go? Pretty low, I’m afraid.

I suppose I could be suffering from one of those chemical imbalances. I’m sure there’s some doctor or another that might prescribe me a little yellow, white, or pink pill. Make the voices go away. But don’t I need to argue, appease, ignore, or tame them? We’re all so ready to give over our problems/issues/challenges/what-have-you to someone else to “fix.” Who better to fix the problems/issues/challenges/what-have-you than ourselves? That’s my take, anyway. Therefore…

I struggle with these voices. Nearly every damn day. I wrestle. I push back. I sigh with long suffering grace. I moan with childish temper. I debate. I argue. I use bribery. I scream at them to leave me alone. Go away. Never come back. I’ve ignored them. And when that doesn’t work, I pay them no mind. All to no avail. These voices seem to know exactly what buttons to push to engage me in yet another pointless confrontation. For years, years, and years I’ve struggled with them fruitlessly. I beat them back, appearing to silence them into submission, only to awake the next morning to hear them in full gleefully depressing chorus:

We’re baaaack.

The significant, but actually quite small, step for me came when I realized that I must accept them as part of myself. These Negative Nellies, Whining Willies, Frantic Freddies, Nixing Neds, Broken Bettinas, Angst-Ridden Adams, and Depressing Desirees are all part of me. They are not going anywhere…unless of course, I go there too. And since I have no inclination to be thrown off a cliff, buried alive, or explode into millions of pieces, I am stuck with them. Ah, but they are also stuck with me. And I have learned ways to torture them into silence. Yeah, well the silence doesn’t last forever. If I’m lucky a week or two, but hey, it’s a start. Who knows what tricks I might pick up in the future? I might be able to silence them for months, perhaps years. That idea is so exciting to me I want to go skydiving to celebrate! I’ll settle for pie, though. A bit safer than skydiving and hell of a lot tastier.

This doodle took nearly two weeks to complete, due to my RA. Every hand and wrist cramp was worth it.

P.S. If you’re interested, though my voices say you’re long bored and left my page hours ago (if indeed you ever arrived in the first place), I plan on writing a part 2 to this post: How to Torture the Voices in Your Head Into (temporary) Submission. Hint? You’ve heard the expression, “Kill them with kindness?”It’s sort of like that.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Voices

  1. Hey Sister, Soul Sister, I love your drawing and I love your madness. Those voices you hear need to be banished once and for all. You are a very talented lady in so many ways, don’t let those evil ‘voice critters’ drag you down with their negative thoughts and confidence battering. They are brain bullies and need to be dealt with. I’ve found that squirting copious amounts of very fizzy ginger beer in to each ear does the trick – gets rid of the buggers for a while but you are left with a lot of hiccuping sounds inside the head instead. Not entirely satisfactory; i shall let you know if I find a better method but its better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick xoxo

    • Haha! Well, it is very nice to know that I am not the only one grinning in darkness. LOVE the idea of attacking them with ginger beer. But then, knowing my voices they’d get addicted to the ginger beer and demand I pour it on them all the time. On the other hand, drunk voices might be better than sober voices! Thanks for stopping by, Sister xoxo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s